A Life of Lovers or a life of Partnership

I know I am in my final stages and that I need to be more patient than ever. The process of becoming a man is seemingly a lifelong process. Unhealed wounds and unhealthy relationship models have kept me stuck. Of course, I wish I had known this when I was younger, but I chose the life I have at this moment and all the moments that preceded this one. To be a man comes in many phases, our societies and cultures have placed a definition on what this looks like. I have checked off many of the boxes that meet the requirements. Reaching a level of success in areas like work, a roof over my head, food on the table, and support for my family, immediate and extended, creates this strong foundation beneath me, not just for myself but for all my loved ones, friends and family. It's a large foundation where many can visit and stay for a while. Some may think that I am talking in terms of finances, but I am speaking more energetically. 

Where I have failed one can say in the process from boy to man is in relationships. How our parents love and care for one another is crucial to this development. If the environment is less than positive, then we will have our work cut out for us. It can and has at times been a tumultuous ride. At the age of 45, I realized the missing link in my development. I have spent much time cultivating a spiritual, psychological and physical and energetic being but there was a piece missing. The evolution to become a 'man’ was missing something. After two difficult relationships that have led me down another internal tunnel of introspection, I learned that the missing piece was my emotional being. I have learned and still learning to cultivate strong emotional bonds with my friends and family. I am in deep gratitude for these relationships. I have also cultivated a healthier emotional connection with myself as well, also an ongoing process. The one area in which I kept repeating the same patterns was in a romantic partnership.

See, I grew up in chaos. If you were to ask my parents, they may agree or disagree with this but if you were to ask my siblings they would likely be on board. Parents have a way of dismissing hardships that they brought upon the family by reminding us of all the good they did and although this is true, not acknowledging the not-so-great aspects of the so-called family experience leaves children with a little hole inside. To dismiss or not acknowledge the negative parts leaves kids with a feeling of emptiness within and is the seed to developing insecurities, feelings of not being good enough, guilt and shame and in this process, we also end up with not-so-ideal partners. We choose what we know, and, in my case, I know chaos. The more I developed spiritually, psychologically and physically the more conflict I felt inside emotionally. I will subconsciously call into my life partners that mirror the energy in which I grew up but this other part of me that is a little more evolved rejects this type of connection. Important to note that not only am I calling in chaos and immature partners, women (not all) who are still girls in an emotional sense, but I also bring into the relationship a chaotic energy because that's what I feel comfortable in. The lower self or the old self finds this chaotic energy exciting, but my higher Self wants nothing to do with it.

Eight months of celibacy later, not even a kiss, I am here, requiring more patience than ever. I am open to meeting women but not ready to go deeper. I recently met five women whom, I crossed paths with and each of them pulled at different energetic and emotional strings. I observe myself; I write and sit in meditation and tune into what parts of me each one of them is pulling at. See, I want an emotionally mature woman if I am to go down the path of a monogamous relationship. In order for this to happen I need to both heal the wounds within and evolve from an emotional child to an emotionally evolved man in the relationship. As to where this emotional immaturity comes from and why it activates within when I'm dating is a story for another day, but it is now in my consciousness which is the most important step. I know to attract a woman I need to first cultivate emotional maturity myself and envision how and whom I want to be in partner with. 

I thought I needed to be in a relationship to do this but I am learning about the feminine by simply spending time in nature. By watching and spending time with the Ocean I can see how she moves in many different directions, no day is the same, and no moment is the same. I can feel her strength and her force when my body connects with hers. I can see and feel how she cleanses. She is a force. A force which I want in my life, but if I am not evolved emotionally, I will drown and lose myself which I have, many times. Fortunately, I have had a life jacket close by all the time. Guides, seen and unseen that always watch over me. So much love for all of them.

In meditation, I tuned into each woman and was able to feel our energies together and determine whether this was a friend, a sister, a lover or a potential partner. The ability to do this now will save me and others a lot of heartaches and bring clarity without having the need to date or go too deep. Remember that hole that I was speaking about earlier, the one left by our parents when they don't acknowledge or recognize the pain in which they brought into our lives? I'm specifically speaking about the emotional being. The most important realization is that this emptiness inside of me can only be filled by me and the reason I was always yearning for partnership was that I was looking to fill a hole that can never be filled by any external being or thing outside of myself. Not even God. Only I can fill this emptiness and it becomes with making that which is unconscious conscious. Although celibacy is challenging for me, it's less so since I have nurtured and healed the emotional wounds within, the wounds that were preventing me from evolving and becoming an emotionally mature man, one that can be a partner to the type of woman in which I want to call into my life.

I am in the middle, observing my two different desires. One, is to have a monogamous partnership, something I have desired for a very long time. The other to have many different lovers as each woman I've made love to is so unique and beautiful, the idea of only being with one woman for the remainder of my life seems (to a part of me) quite limiting. So I stay here in the middle of these two desires, with little action but a lot of gentle observation within, paying attention to the strings in which the women I cross paths with pull inside of me.