The Joyful Design

I think what happened yesterday morning would be considered my firefighters in action according to IFS model. The plus from yesterday, I didn't shut down or fight, I stayed quiet and was a conscious observer of my behaviour after being triggered. Many emotions were running through me yesterday.

In meditation this morning I had a memory arise to the surface, the type of fights we would have in our house growing up. Many times, we would be getting ready to attend a family party and for some reason or the other a fight would erupt between my parents, and one would decide not to go, get undressed and stay home. This would lead to awkwardness on the way to the party because upon arrival you had to explain to others that your mom or dad is not well.

Yesterday’s experience, although I allowed myself to get triggered, irritated and communicated in an unhealthy way towards her I remained grounded. She was being herself, not trying to harm or upset you. You grew up in an OCD household when someone doesn't clean up or do something in a way that makes sense in your mind, like not running the dishwasher or washing the dishes when they said they would (this was me as a kid and I would get in trouble all the time!), I get triggered, behaving with others as my parents behaved and responded to me.

There is another part. I have this idea that people should just know, and recognize that this person washed the dishes, ran the dishwasher, cleaned the kitchen and is using it now, to wait till they are done. That’s nice to have but it’s not always there. It takes time. Due to the way I was raised, I have an acute sensitivity to things not being the way they are 'supposed' to be according to internal programs. The positive takeaway from yesterday’s experience, I didn't shut down despite parts of me wanting to. Instead, I took deep breaths in the bathroom, came out and apologized. Certainly, room for improvement my apologies but a good start. I also was waiting for her to leave without me, instead, she had sent me a text,

"I'm ready when you are", a sign of an emotionally mature human being.

That’s something that I want to shift as well. Not everyone is going to respond to your triggers and reactions by leaving or yelling or by punishing you in some way, physically, mentally, or emotionally. They still want to be in your life and won't cut you off because they recognize that it’s just a moment and it will pass.

Appreciate her softness towards my cranky little guy.

She let go, happy, dancing and singing in the car. I was admittedly not there to meet her. I was grumpy and closed but not in the darkness, allowing my triggered parts to settle and return when they are ready. My Self being aware, both of my parts and this human beside me who is freaking out some of my parts with all her fun and joy.

It's kind of ridiculous, she is having the best time and there is a part or parts of you that are uncomfortable with joy, fun and happiness. It's rare for you to drop in fully. That’s where alcohol is helpful or other substances. Even espresso or a good treat is a shot of fun for you but pure fun and joy without consuming anything, that is something I want to experience on a more consistent basis in my life. I hope one day joy flows as naturally as my breath.

We are designed to breathe. We are designed to be joyful.