Crossroads

I feel something stuck inside of me, an uneasiness in my stomach. I'm not sure if it's mine, hers, or both. She’s going back today. It’s one thing to know what we want and develop courage outside the environment where challenges exist, but it’s another to go back into that environment—into the trenches—and execute the plan, the change we desire. Disconnecting is hard because hearts are broken, and relationships are impacted. That’s why so few do it. We don’t want to get uncomfortable, and we don’t want to hurt others. It’s so fucking hard.

We’re raised a certain way, through the lens of others for most of our lives. When we can no longer live with that queasy, uneasy feeling, we come to a crossroads. Do we maintain the status quo for the sake of others, or do we destroy everything to save ourselves? To reach out and pull ourselves out of the quicksand before it completely engulfs us to the point of no return. What we don’t realize is that if we don’t save ourselves in this lifetime, the next one will be a rerun of the one that preceded it.

So, would you want to live the life you’re living today—the life of suppressing yourself—if you knew that the next life would be exactly the same unless you reach out that hand and rescue yourself?

Hell, to me, is repeating a life lived unauthentically, living for others at the sacrifice of our own self. The biggest misconception is that focusing on the self is selfish, that we should help others and place their needs above our own. But our capacity to love and help others is limited by our capacity to love and help ourselves. We can’t fill others' tanks while ours is on empty.

I feel better after getting this out. I think I’ll type it to her. It will be the last journal entry she receives before her flight. Is it possible that I already love her? Is it possible that all these random little moments connected us? If someone is guiding and helping me, thank you. Thank you for the guidance, for the little nudge in the right direction. So many mini crossroads, and fortunately, I was encouraged to flow in the direction of this woman who captures my heart.