A 5-Month Update: Returning to Toronto, Navigating Love, and Embracing Change

The different humans I’ve crossed paths with have helped shift the lens through which I see the world. Born and raised in Toronto, knowing what it was and what it is now, I sometimes feel like a grumpy old guy. Words I wanted to say when I was young still want to slide off my tongue, but I hold back. I know things aren’t the same; like everything big and small, they change. Some aspects dissolve completely, and from that comes a process of rebirth. I see it. There’s a rebirth happening, and births are not meant to be painless because within the pain lie many lessons, preparing us for what’s on the other side.

This photo was taken six months ago. I’ll tell you in a moment why I saved it, but first, it’s been five months since I returned to Toronto. Four months ago, I signed my first one-year lease in three years. The mental transition has been tough, but I’ve finally found my flow. I have my friends and family, but I was missing community. Understandably, while I was living the nomadic life, everyone else’s life moved on.

I’m enjoying discovering new cafés, working on projects, working out, and practicing yoga. I’m spending time with my brother, nephew, niece, and friends and meeting new people. After two years, I’ve even started to date. At this age, I never thought I’d be here, but dating has been my biggest challenge to navigate.

Compared to dating and finding love, everything else in my life feels effortless, like a walk in the park.

I was going to share how difficult it’s been to find love, but that’s not true. What’s been difficult is receiving love. I’ve had opportunities to be in committed relationships, but my internal wiring was all crisscrossed. It’s taken me until now to feel psychologically and emotionally balanced and grounded.

I’ve been carrying around an unhealthy yearning to fill a void inside me. Yet, when opportunities for relationships came, I struggled to sustain them. Sometimes I chose wrong, too. Without diving too deep into that rabbit hole, I’ve come a long way in this daring process. To date is to be daring in this climate. It might sound odd, but I didn’t know how to date. I’m still learning, especially how to date in a healthy way—with openness, honesty, and emotional maturity.

I’m on one dating app, but I’ve also been going out and meeting women, rebuilding the courage and confidence to start conversations with strangers. This journey has been an education in openness and connection, and I’m grateful for every step.

I took this photo six months ago when I was in India. I went to the gym in my sister’s building to move the heaviness and clear up some of the darkness that was engulfing me. A combination of time to spare, algorithms, and changing a setting on Instagram led me to see the images coming out of Palestine. I began reading and seeing things that no human should ever have to witness, let alone experience. It teleported me into a darkness I hadn’t visited in ten years.

This darkness continued when I returned to Toronto. I struggled to reintegrate into this energy and accept the need to land here longer than I have in the last three years. Signing my first lease in three years triggered an anxiety attack. The weekdays were manageable, but the weekends—especially the long weekends—were filled with profound loneliness and sadness that pulled me back into the darkness. My piece Seductive Shadows came from this place.

It was dark, yes. Old narratives came rushing to the surface, and I must admit, it really fucking surprised me. But there was a big difference this time: I had the ability to watch, observe, and allow this internal drama to play out. I have tools to remain grounded and ride the waves of the darkest thoughts and emotions. The first four months felt like being back in the womb, and in the fifth month, I rebirthed with new energy, a fresh mind, an expansive heart, and a newfound excitement and optimism for life. I even rediscovered a love for Toronto (I know, hard to believe, right?!).

I know the darkness has its gifts, and I’ll embrace the waves when they return. But for now, oof, am I glad to be back on the surface, soaking in the sunshine.