You’re not that big of a deal so just lean into your fears

About a month ago, I was listening to The Tim ferris show, the episode where his guest Walter Obrien who is a total badass mentioned the possibility of preserving life by preserving the brain and putting it into another body. This triggered a thought process within me which I was reflecting on and had a flurry of thoughts the following morning. I think preservation of the brain is a very cool concept but it also makes the assumption that the heart is nothing but an organ and there is no soul. We are a society that gives too much credit today (as spectacular as it is) to the brain and too much emphasis is placed on it and in measuring intelligence without understanding the role the rest of the physical body and our energetic being plays. We have cords connected to a place that is presently beyond sciences ability to prove but a place that many individuals have seen and experienced from within. My experiences lead me to the belief that the brain will not function the same without the heart and soul of its original owner although it would be cool to witness when and if that time comes.

What I believe will happen is it will connect with the heart and soul of its new owner and like a hard drive retain the information but depending on who it is, that existing information can be applied and understood differently in another’s body. Also, there will be no more downloading from the original body and energetic being (i.e: soul). By downloading I mean as we are more and more connected to the spiritual being through mindfulness practices the more and more we become open and have the ability to download information and become a vehicle for something thats bigger. Some may be naturals at this and it could be because of past lives but most like myself need to work on it with a daily practice.

It’s important to share here, which I can talk about another time in more depth that as it’s nice to understand where we have come from or find out where we are going (i.e: past and future) which the brain loves to feed on, it is important for this not to take away from the present moment. Become rooted in the NOW. It’s all we have. What do you want to do now? Remember, on one side we want to accomplish as much as possible but also we are planting or should be planting as many seeds of our souls desire. Many of them will not show their fruits for lifetimes to come.

This is an expansive way of approaching our present life so we do not get so caught up in the past or the unknown of the future. Keeping in mind that the soul is where we download from and the true source of information, the heart is our guide and the brain is our hard drive. What will you do today? What are you not doing due to fear? Where are you hesitant to move forward? Are you feeling uneasy or unsettled? If yes, those are the areas to explore deeper and lay out a path to move towards it. This is also a sign that we are living predominantly in our brains.

Notice I didn’t say jump into it. There is nothing wrong with taking little steps at a time towards our fear and true purpose and desire and having a plan to proceed that’s not so shocking to the system. As for your life purpose don’t worry too much about the details. I’ve been thinking about this for years and can say now after taking tiny steps that only now is the fog dissipating and I’m starting to get a sense of my purpose in this life. Purpose is discovered as you tackle your fears and lean into the resistance as Seth Godin talks about in lynchpin. It may take you a couple of years, it may take you lifetimes. In the end it doesn’t matter. What matters is you begin to take the steps forward, stay present and work on getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. That’s it.

I know its cliche to say, but it truly is about the journey and not the destination.

If all we do is focus on one part of us then we are putting ourselves at a disadvantage. We measure IQ by giving all the credit of intelligence or lack thereof to our brain then we end up with limiting beliefs and fixed mindsets. When we expand our awareness and measure intelligence of the entire mind, body, soul our lens widens internally and externally.

So what fear/resistance are you going to step into knowing that this is not your first or last shot? Have that conversation that you’ve been delaying, take that action that is stirring in your belly, do whatever it is that you aren’t doing because you are worried about what others think or worried about the outcome of moving forward. Begin distributing your energy throughout and living from your whole being.

I’ll leave with a lovely note my friend Marsha wrote to me on a flight to Portland last year:

“You are not that big of a deal, so its totally ok to put stuff into the world that isn’t perfect. Isn’t that wonderful!”

Magnetic Love

It continues to be the most challenging part of my life. Why can’t I attain this? Why can’t I find it? I am working so hard towards it. Am I not doing enough? Am I a coward? Am I not open enough? Do I need to be more brave? Do I need to get out more? I don’t know where to go and although I can go out more on my own, travel on my own, I am tired of it. I’m tired. I was so ecstatic to find her, to be open enough to receive her, but she wasn’t ready. She doesn’t see the possibilities I see. She doesn’t understand why she feels what she does. It makes me sad but I can’t stop, I can’t give up hope, I can’t close my heart. It needs to stay open more then ever. I am close. I feel her. She is near.

The question what the fuck continues to enter my mind. The question sits along side hope in the passenger seat. Fortunately hope is driving. It’s frustrating but whats a man to do. I am my self and I have so much love to give. I have done and continue to do the deep work. I feel that the deeper I go the more challenging it is to find her at times. She is not your average women. She is powerful, beautiful and will be evolved beyond my imagination.

What should I do? Where should I go? Is there something I’ve done wrong? These are questions that sit behind hope. They are questions that role around in the back seat. Thankfully, hope is driving.

I have a new theory I will test. I have so much love to give that I need to distribute it by channeling elsewhere into more creative projects. I need to put my love into dance again, I need to sing, I need to listen to music, I need to paint and continue to poor my heart out in my writing. I need to love the amazing family and friends in my life today. I need to share my heart, my love, because it is too much for one human to handle.

Time for more laughter, time for more dance and time for more play in my life.

I love the dance between the internal and external as I cleanse the energy lines from the root to the top of the tree. I am learning to live with an open broken heart. I have so much love to share with her when she arrives. I need to maintain the dance between persistence and patience. Between bravery and humblness. I need to settle for nothing less then that soulful connection.

We are nervous, we are scared, most skate on the surface, but if we give deep discovery the time it requires, if we dig a little deeper and explore the seven lines of energetic points first within ourselves then with the person across from us, we are bound to find that love. It feels like two of the most powerful magnets pulling together. It takes an abundance of energy to split apart.

I know deep down, when I find it, life will reach heights that are unimaginable from where I currently stand. This is not the time to settle for anything less. This is the time to ask and stay open for what cannot be articulated with words. It can only be emotions that reside within the soul and are communicated through the heart. The mind has no say. Logic is irrelevant. Keep rational thoughts out of this. There are no algorithms to measure this connection, this love.

Many of us are so closed, robots just walking aimlessly attempting to connect through the list generated within our minds either on our own but most likely based on the expectations of our tribe and society we inherited and embed ourselves in. Put away those formulas, they are useless if real love, real connection and genuine happiness is what you are searching for. Open your heart, your broken open heart. Living with a closed heart is the same as being six feet under.

Whats the fucking point?

Open up baby, lets play, lets dance and lets love with broken open hearts.

I imagine her in my life. I imagine walking behind her and wrapping my arms around her waist, moving her hair too one side, one kiss on her cheek and another soft kiss on her neck, turning her around looking into her eyes as our bodies exchange energies, spirits lifting each other, I softly kiss her on her beautiful lips.

I am in search of love that cannot be articulated with words.

Creative Connections

Spent first part of my day in Tate Modern. I learned something very interesting about Museums over the last few years. Walk through it, scan the work and you will have an energetic draw to those works that align with your inner being. Don’t try to analyze and make sense of the works. If out of 200 pieces of art – sculptures, paintings, photography etc…only two or three pull you in, thats ok. It’s how it should be. Those pieces that pull you in, spend time with them, be there with them because it will open up treasures within yourself. It will inspire you to be greater to do greater. If you get this, it will be a trip well worth it. You don’t have to see or connect with everything. You don’t have to understand or make sense of every piece or take pictures.

I love when a piece just pulls me in and triggers an emotional response from deep within, sometimes even making my hair stand, others inspire me to do something to evolve, to draw to paint and other pieces generate new ideas from the heart and soul. Actually, all pieces should be enjoyed from the heart and soul, not from the mind.

Rick Rubin talks about this with his interview with Tim Ferriss. He talks about the importance of exploring other forms of artistic expression to bring out our inner wisdom and creativity. To be inspired to be greater from the place of the heart and soul. It’s where real greatness is generated from.

It could be a song, a lyric, a sentence, a poem, a painting, or a film. The forms of potential inspiration are endless. If you don’t know where to start, just start anywhere. Don’t think about it. Go to theatre, watch a movie, pop into a museum or check out a concert.

We are all creative beings but most of us have had creativity suppressed, told to be practical instead. What is the logical and rational thing to do. Logic and ration have its place, but it’s behind creativity, it really needs to take a back seat right now. We have suppressed it to the point that the only way to unleash it, to take the veil off, to unblock it is through external inspiration. Make it your purpose to find your creative connection. It will lead you to finding yourself, to be yourself and love yourself more then you could ever imagine which eventually results in loving others more deeply.

You will eventually find a creative connection so deep that it is like gravity is pulling your creative being out from the dark corners, from under the rocks that have befallen on top of it through the avalanches of societal expectation of logic and rational, that you will have no choice but to express your deepest inner self and share your creativity in forms that align with who you truly are.

Make those creative connections. It’s time now. We need you to come out from under the rubble and shine our creative light

Revolving Door

For a large part of my life I jumped from box to box to box until I finally had enough confidence to start building my own box. My

favourite boxes are  the ones with revolving doors where you can come and go as you please. It was like our house growing up. My

dad loved refer to our home as a Sheraton hotel with a revolving door. Neighbourhood kids were free to enter our space and use

our sporting equipment without any permission required. Is there a risk of theft? Absolutely. However, the risk of theft was worth

it and at times things were stolen, but the downfall and temporary monetary loss did not come close to equating to the joy of

being open. So today, I live in my own box that I designed with a revolving door like the Sheraton Hotel. Come and go as you

please. I will neither force you to stay or leave. Take what you need and I trust you will return it one day.

Speechless Love

The ability to elevate and motivate one other without words spoken.

She gave him strength while he gave her breadth.

Heart open does wonders. He is beginning to feel again.

He imagines in his mind what it would feel like to hold her.

To feel her energy.

What a difference between pure love and pure sexuality.

Sex without the presence of love can be good.

Sex filled with an abundance of love where heart, soul and mind are on board is out of this world.

Quivering lips. Exponentially better.

First time he thought about loving someone the way he loved her.

Heart takes so much time to heal when its blocked off.

Stop letting the light in or letting the light out.

Complete darkness.

Always stay open. Wide open. Heart open.

Finding Myself Through Conformity

Compliments and praise…receiving it was more difficult then criticism for me. In my twenties if someone complemented me my ego would be fed and there would be a temporary extra pop in my step. In my thirties when someone complimented me it was so difficult to receive that it would result in mini throw ups (this stems from not feeling good enough).

In my mid-twenties I moved out on my own for the first time. Late for the western world, unacceptable in the Eastern world. Eventually I cancelled cable, met my first girlfriend, had my first real travel experience without family, one week which I spent on my own. My girlfriend had gifted me the Alchemist which I still have with me today. Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle and Neale Donald helped me work at dissipating my ego and peeling the layers of shit off that others had draped over me. My second girlfriend, first love and first heart break took me too an entirely different level of feeling. She broke my world and for the better. The relationship made me go inside and look deep within and ask the question WHO AM I? WHO AM I? WHO AM I?

I have no degree, I am half ass at everything. Shit, I don’t even have a high school diploma. No connection with religion, not a criminal, not feeling fully Canadian, Muslim or Indian. If I am non of these things, then WHO THE FUCK AM I?

I had so many social norms to look on to, but none of them fit. Every area in my life I felt like a square peg in a round hole. I didn’t identify with any of the worlds and with the utmost certainty everyone had laid out, as a matter of fact, that this is who I need to be and without it I won’t succeed in life, I won’t reach the heavens and will probably end up as a bum in this life and hell fire the next. So much to fucking look forward too. God was mad at me. Teachers were mad at me. My parents were mad at me.

WHO THE FUCK AM I?

Conforming

Not fully fitting into my religious world , my indian world and the western world resulted in not feeling good enough. So, what do you do when you don’t feel good enough? Conform, conform and conform to all three worlds around me. I was partially religious, not religious, partially Canadian, not Canadian, partially western, not western. I would like to also say partially academic but I am three credits shy of a high school diploma. Those who new I didn’t have it continued to encourage me to go back. From a societal sense and what was acceptable for success I understood, but from the internal sense I didn’t want to go back because I didn’t understand why I needed it to be successful.

I worked in my fathers business, I worked in retail, in warehouses, even a little bit of bussing, selling flowers and telemarketing too. I eventually did a $17, 000 six month IT course which resulted in a $40,000 job at Citibank. The investment definitely paid off for me. I thought this is it! At the age of 25 years old I landed a $40, 000 job a one of the largest banks in the world with no high school diploma. It felt like I hit the jackpot. I moved out, I travelled, I started dating and having sex (I was a little late to the party).

Did I love my job? No. Did I love the people I work with? Hell yeah. They were this new awesome community, that in parts is very much a part of my life today. I grew out of my job quickly. I pretended to love it because I didn’t know who I was. I think many of us don’t know who we are until later in our lives and thats if we are lucky. If you don’t know who you are, don’t worry. Keep chipping away. The only thing that you should not do is sit on your ass. Trust me. I tried it and nothing good or bad comes from it. Life ain’t going to push you to start. You have to push yourself and explore the internal and external worlds. Experiment.

Working at Citibank helped me gain social acceptance. When I was asked the question “where do you work?” I proudly responded with, I am an Operations Analyst with Citibank! Usually the person asking the question would beam with approval. I would be lying if I said it didn’t feel good. I was fitting in for the first time in my life and felt accepted. “Citibank is a great company. Good for you they would say.” My ego and external self enjoyed this approval. I made it. I was apart of the corporate world. I have successfully been accepted into the club of conformity.

Around the third or fourth year of being part of the club of conformity my soul began to get restless and agitated that it would no longer come into the building with me. It would stay outside the revolving door waiting for me to finish my day (or come out for lunch) to reconnect. It was so hard to quit or get another job because I had zero clarity as to what my purpose in this world/lifetime is. It took a good friend and colleague to quit. I felt completely alone at this point. Not long after, I quit as well. I had no job lined up, had a hefty debt, had rent to pay among other expenses, but I was young. I mapped out my worst case scenario and it really wasn’t that bad.

In the end it became so unbearable to the point that staying was more uncomfortable then quitting. If I had stayed, I would have died a very slow death. I didn’t have a plan but it felt so good to quit that shit hole!

Am I ungrateful? So many people in this world would love to have my job. Am I being greedy by asking more for myself?

Conscious Mediocrity – The struggles of asking for what I truly want

I have spent the last year learning about what I don’t want, listening to my heart, soul and trusting my intuition and not feeling guilty about saying NO. I realized I now need to learn how to ask for what I want. I’m not sure what exactly this all entails but I know it will take courage and require me to communicate clearly. I was initially thinking that I needed to take a course in communications but as I’m writing this, I know that I actually have no problems communicating other people’s needs, just my own.

The question is why? The easy answer is that I am afraid of rejection. This reasoning would have flown a year ago, but I believe there is more to it. When I was younger it was rarely about my needs and mostly about others. When I asked for what I wanted I was scolded, sent to my room, simply just a NO with zero explanation or logic. When I had those rare wins of getting what I wanted, it was generally a lot of hard work and tears that lead up to it, plenty of kicking and screaming. Can this experience translate into our adult life? I believe it does.

I recently learned about Robert Augustus Masters thanks to my a friend who suggested I listen to his interview with Tami Simon who has her podcast, Sounds True: Insights at the Edge. The Topic: True Masculine Power.

I picked up his book, To Be Man, A Guide to True Masculine Power.

One of the things Robert Augustus Masters talks about is connecting the dots between your past to present. “Our go-to actions-our behavioural defaults-when things were very difficult when we were young likely will be what we resort to when things are similarly difficult now for us”.

We tend to write off our behaviour telling ourselves, this is just how I am. What makes it even more difficult is that those close to us tend to reinforce this.

We talk about our habits and beliefs about who we are as if they are concrete innate facts where many of these things are actually a result of how we were raised and forced to be while growing up. It is nurture not nature. How did our parents and those close to us treat us all the time? My inability to ask for what I want is NOT embedded in my DNA, it’s through my experiences, both good and bad that impacts my behaviours in adult life.

I’ve been so fearful to go after and ask for what I want, both big ask and the tiniest insignificant asks as well.

The impact of asking for what I really wanted when I was a kid, but getting more nay’s then yay’s makes me hesitate to ask for what I truly want and desire, what excites me and lights up my soul and opens my heart, because I would rather avoid the possibility of a no because it leads to disappointment.

I have no problem asking for something when I know its in the best interest of others or at least I can creatively convince myself and those in front of me that its in their best interest. I seem to be good at manipulating both parties. It is a very calculated way of getting what I need without the risk of disappointment and rejection and if I do get rejected its alright, because it wasn’t something that I deeply wanted anyway. I like to call this conscious mediocrity. It only hurts when its something that really lights me up because asking for something that aligns with my heart and soul is putting myself at my most vulnerable state.