Living the Good Life

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about someone connected to the Goodlife Project (GLP) Community. It has been like a turbo boost in elevating my life. If someone were to ask me one thing that the GLP community has given me, it would be:

The permission to be my whole self. The good and the bad. For the first time in my life, August 2015, I felt one hundred percent good enough with who I am.

This has lead me to explore and deep dive into many areas in my life.

Internal creative exploration
Transitioning from a business owner to an Entrepreneur
Social Media and the positive role it plays in our lives
How I fuel and recharge my body
Writing and Journaling

Second most important thing I got is a tribe/community that I connected with. Even though I don’t speak to anyone on a daily basis, I have a merry go around of inspiration in my life. Also, being able to connect and contribute in this incredible community and feel welcomed with open arms has raised my self confidence and self worth to great heights.

I am still awkward and nervous around what my definition of greatness is, but I no longer feel unworthy to be in the same room. Instead I sit in awe, consume what I can and become inspired by all those who do great things or as Brene Brown quotes Theodore Rosevelt, aspire to be those who are in the arena and pay no attention to those in the seats (i.e. the critics).

Thanks to GLP, slowly my community of amazingness is also building in my local hometown of Toronto. I am also energetically drawing in the people in my life that I want to be surrounded by, a level of inspiring risk takers who are constantly walking towards getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. Speaking of getting uncomfortable, I have launched a pilot workshop on Building Self Confidence from the Inside Out for Men which will run every Sunday in June. Check out if you are interested in attending.

Let me just say, the self doubt gremlins creep in quite regularly but then I look up and I see all those ahead of me, all of those who are playing in the arena, not spectating. The merry go round of inspiration keeps me grounded, keeps me chipping away. It doesn’t matter how many strokes it takes to get to the hole, all that matters is that I keep swinging.

You know what else I learned and this is specifically from observing Jonathan Fields, the founder of the Goodlife Project? Just put it out there, because it will never be perfect. You reach a point where the creation process stalls because it needs to get out there, it needs to breathe, to dance in the external world, then it will return with an abundance of experience where you dive in again, begin the creation process from this next stage, then again you hit a point where this elevation requires dancing and breathing in the external world, the cycle continues. Nothing will ever grow and evolve just sitting on the shelf so to speak. We all have something to share, to build, to design and to create. We need your imperfect art in this world. No exceptions. We need all of you to bring out your imperfect internal beauty. We can’t survive with out.

I’m so looking forward to Camp GLP this year. It’s like this amazing feeling of coming home and seeing family I haven’t seen all year. I love that feeling. I sometimes wish it was longer but after three and a half days I am so filled with goodness that any more I may explode!! Seriously, I’m still riding the wave of inspiration and love from last year.

Can’t. Fucking. Wait.

“Is GLP a cult?”

Anytime an organization builds an incredible community, those on the outside tend to put on their skeptic glasses. Some ask outright and some have the look of “Is this a cult?” My brother used to work at Lululemon and I remember when people would put them in the “Cult” category.

This is a question that is asked about any person or organization that is doing something different, that is inspiring others, that others don’t understand. It’s easy to put things we don’t understand into a particular box. We love internally filing things away because it helps us make sense of the world even if its good, because its filed and neatly stored in a box.

I say, FUCK the box.

My father asked me about it and this is how I explained it to him:

Hey Dad, remember how you listened/read and even attended seminars with the Carnegie’s, Tony Robbins, Napoleon hill etc…? Well imagine a group filled with amazing people who listened to similar motivational business and life gurus for the purpose of internal self development. They gathered together to inspire, support and motivate each other to greatness. Imagine while you were in business that you had a community to support you as oppose to feeling like nobody understands and feeling all alone and to fend for yourself against the long list of critics. Well, thats what the GLP community is, it’s filled with an awesome group of people from all walks of life that are doing what is in alignment with their internal self, taking risks and constantly putting themselves out there, being vulnerable, repeatedly falling and getting back up, only to get stronger after each fall, stronger after each failure.

My Dad nods his head and smiles. Perhaps a combination of understanding, being inspired and maybe a little bit of relief.

Three Access Points to the Self

I think a lot about the three access points. The body, mind and spirit. In order to live a happy life from the inside out, I believe we need two out of three functioning optimally in order to reach a high level of happiness and present life satisfaction. If you can get all three going then you are bound to reach some next level success and wisdom. How do we this?

We exercise the body, mind and spirit. We train to strengthen the pillars of who we are.

For myself, meditation is how I maintain my balance, keep clear and experience expansion, so ONE, I have an easier time living a in the external world because I live in equanimity and create internal space to allow the flow of energy. This enables me to be more adaptable in my external life. SECOND, it allows access to my spirit. The clearer the mind, the easier it is to access my spirit and all the intelligence that is available within it and through it. I know, it’s a little out there if you’ve never experienced meditation or had a consistent spiritual practice but I promise it is accessible to all. You are accessible to yourself (if that makes any sense). You are an oil field thats waiting to be tapped but the only person who can tap into you is, you guessed it, YOU!

Some have a very difficult time accessing the mind, or purifying the mind. Their experience in life is so intellectual that the mind is stuck in their heads and to break the damn and get into their bodies is literally emotionally and physically painful so the best way to do it is take the back door directly to the spirit.

Welcome to the world of Psychedelics or Religion. Admittedly, I don’t know the details of psychedelics, I’m just including it because I have witnessed others having breakthroughs. I made a conscious decision not to judge others path of wakening. You pick and choose what feels right for you. There is no one right way, there is no one right path. There is no one path to reach your destination which is purification of the mind. Its your path and your choice as to how you want to reach that destination and more importantly its also your choice as to whether you even give a fuck as to whether you want to reach that destination and discover the depths of you.

I remember when a friend shared with me that she knows where the path to self discovery leads, the path to purification of the mind and the path to access her spirit, but she made a conscious decision of saying, I’m not ready, I love my external world and all the goodness that comes with it.

I have an abundance of love for people who make these types of conscious decisions.

It’s your body,
It’s your mind,
It’s your spirit.
It’s your choice.

If the mind is difficult to reach, you can tackle it from both sides, body and spirit. The purification process will be a lot more efficient.  For me, my ultimate goal is to run optimally from all three areas. The combination of body and spirit purifies the mind from above and below the mind. It s like your cutting weeds from the top (physical exercise) and simultaneously pulling the roots out from the spirit.

Once we reach the purification of the mind, all dissolves and spirit, mind and body synchronize and melt into one which leads to infinite intelligence.

I wish there was a magic pill to reach and maintain this state, but there is not. It requires multiple life times of work although I do believe we are in a collective global self discovery mode which is putting the process of waking up on a fast track and it is beautiful to witness.

Regardless of what is occurring in the mainstream media or any media for that matter, if you just decide to turn it off for a little while, you will begin to see the beauty that I see.

My hope for all of humanity is that we turn down the external volume and increase the internal volume. The world wants to see you. The world wants to experience you. The world needs you.

I’ll end with one of my favourite quotes…

“You are more powerful then you think, act accordingly”. Seth Godin

Calling Myself Out

I have been talking a big game yet my actions are far behind. Granted I have taken many steps forward but I am nervous to put myself out there and do my work. I know that I am not the only one who has gone through the internal and external challenges of being a man in this world, but I still fear the response to what I will put out there. I have good days where I make progress towards where I need to be but I also experience days that set me back to neutral.

I keep asking myself…

What is my block?
What is preventing me from playing BIG?
Why the hesitation?
Am I really worried about what others will say to me or about me?
I’ve been on an unconventional path most of my life, why stop now?

What I need and want to do is just dive in to the work thats calling out to me. Work that excites me and triggers me into serious day dreaming mode. Work that energizes and fills my heart. Towards work that feels more like play.

So what is the block?

I have waited so long to discover my passion and find something that I truly believe in but I’m feeling like a bit of a fraud. I feel like my experiences are not enough for others to gain value from. I don’t have any formal education. I’m three credits shy of a high school diploma. Who am I to teach others about building internal self confidence, expanding mindsets, leaning into fears and getting comfortable with the uncomfortable? Who am I too share what I believe it means to be a man in todays world?

Who am I to teach others how to date, approach women, how to communicate with them with honesty, respect and love when I myself struggle, I myself am unable to find a life partner, when I myself experience challenges in the dating world and inability to commit or identify what it means to have the right partner for me.

I know I’m not alone with these challenges yet at times it feels quite lonely. I admire and at times envy those who are in long term relationships, who have found life partners. I am scared. My parents were far from a functional relationship and growing up in our household was chaotic which quite honestly is an understatement. My model of a long term committed relationship is not a positive one.

Who am I to talk about relationships, love, companionship, respect for women whom I feel like I have messed up so many relationships myself. It’s really hard. A lot of times I think its better to be single because I don’t want to emotionally hurt anyone anymore, including myself. I don’t want to initiate breakups because I hit a block and need to step away. I find I always shut down at a certain point.

This reminds of a quote from Susan Piver’s interview at the Goodlife Project Camp in New York last year – “Buddhists monks live with an open broken heart”

Truth, I am not one to talk about relationships but I can share my experiences to becoming a confident man and how in August 2015 I reached my number one goal in life. To feel good enough.

There was a time I could barely look at a women I was drawn too, let alone talk to them. I would almost always be lost for words and if I was lucky enough to conjure up something it was usually gibberish and exuded the opposite of self confidence which is what all women are looking for, a self confident man. It took a perfect situation and some liquid courage for me to get comfortable with a women. Alcohol can be a nice little friend in breaking the ice but it can also be a mask that leads too false connections.

I was 25 years old when I first made love to a women. Why?

I was scared of…

* Going to hell if I slept with someone before marriage (this was a legit concern)
* Not performing in bed
* I had a romantic Hollywood/Bollywood ideation of relationships, love and romance, what women wanted in a man. I was miles and miles away from hitting the bar and meeting these false expectations
* Shitty at school, no formal education which lead to feeling that no parent would want their daughter to be with a guy who failed out of school and didn’t go to university

For a man, self confidence is linked to external factors such as how much money is in the bank, education level, job title, vehicle type and other external factors which I personally possess little to none of these things.

I chose to be alone a lot as oppose to go out into a world where I always felt partially excepted and an outsider who didn’t fit in any boxes and even judged at times (which I know now is mostly my perception). More then others it was me who didn’t except myself and it was me who was the harshest critic and who judged myself relentlessly.

It was two years ago that I began the next level of my self-development journey and began fully embracing who I am, the good the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. As mentioned above, August 2015 was the month that I accomplished the most difficult goal of all, to feel good enough with who I am and my place in this world.

I may still be struggling with finding that life partner. I may still have no high school diploma and after the last women I dated came to an end, I realized that I actually don’t have a healthy model of what a functional relationship looks like.

What I did have (and still do) was my father who has been an incredible male role model and my very first mentor. He is a man that even till this day continues to improve and challenge himself to become a better man and overall better human being. He never held himself back due to external factors. He dived into entrepreneurship with absolute zero support and zero community around him. My story is quite different. Today I have an incredible community and support structure. With social media providing multiple ways to stay connected, entrepreneurship is no longer a lonely game to play.

Just as I have sought out mentors and coaches in my life to improve who I am as an individual, to discover the depths of me, I will need to begin the process again, this time with my focus on what it takes to build a long term healthy partnership.

From the first time I made love to a woman till today I have been blessed to have crossed paths with the women who have been in my life, both romantic and platonic. They challenged me and made me a better, more confident man. I am more comfortable with who I truly am, I know longer wear multiple hats and put on show for others, I bring my authentic raw self to the game and I let others decide whether they want to circle in my orbit.

A friend recently said to me “romantic relationships are a pressure cooker for growth”. I couldn’t agree more.

I am who I am.

Although I have a lot to learn about being a boyfriend, a husband, a life partner, I have learned how to be a self confident man from the inside out, a self confidence that has no link to external factors. A self confidence that benefits me in all areas of my life. I have learned to dance between the internal and external worlds while staying true to myself.

While the search for a partner continues, I am making a commitment today to begin playing BIG by diving into uncertainty and sharing with others my life experiences with the hopes that I can inspire other men to begin the work of building self confidence from deep within.

Getting Comfortable with the Uncomfortable

I was thinking about Improv which lead me to thinking about consciously putting myself in uncomfortable situations where I had no choice but to participate. I know this is a little extreme but trust me, when you are in an improv class with twenty plus other people you’re not going to wuss out and eventually you will begin to even have an awesome fucking time.

You also begin to realize that you are not alone in being nervous. We are all afraid to embarrass and make fools out of ourselves. So, go ahead and just be a fool. You got lots of company.

This lead me to thinking about zip lining in Arenal, Costa Rica and almost bailing. I would have totally bailed after the trial runs if a cute petite blonde Cuban gal from Sacramento, California wasn’t like, “lets do this!!!”. I know its sad, but I couldn’t bail after that right?

In order to grow, we need to place ourselves in uncomfortable situations, to help us get out of our comfort zones and expand our self. Sometimes we need to place ourselves in a group setting especially in the beginning so we don’t chicken out.

I chose to signup for improv so I can be sharper in my daily life and stop being scared of looking like a fool and always being nervous, especially around women. It was to build courage in my every day life and grow some balls. It really helps when there is a group of people, a community who are willing to look as silly as you. To be as vulnerable as you. We are knowingly or unknowingly bouncing courage off of each other. Feeding off each others energy

In the case of zip lining, sure, my ego was triggered a bit but I couldn’t say no and get off the ride early when there was this shorty with the courage of a giant ready to do something daring. Consider it as just a little push to walk over that edge. When was the last time you walked over the edge? When was the last time you took yourself out of your comfort zone?

Tim Ferriss interviewed Jamie Foxx (Awesome interview if you haven’t checked it out yet).

Jamie Foxx said, “you know whats on the other side of fear? Nothing.”

I love that but I would say that on the other side of fear is something. It’s called evolution. Evolution of the self.

Putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations where we are motivated by external factors to dive in helps us grow. The more we dive in, the more we begin to shed years of nurture and begin to see more and more of our own nature.

The more we dive in, the less we will need external motivation. Before you know it, you will be zip lining into more and more uncomfortable zones on your own accord because the uncomfortable will eventually become the comfortable.

You’re not that big of a deal so just lean into your fears

About a month ago, I was listening to The Tim ferris show, the episode where his guest Walter Obrien who is a total badass mentioned the possibility of preserving life by preserving the brain and putting it into another body. This triggered a thought process within me which I was reflecting on and had a flurry of thoughts the following morning. I think preservation of the brain is a very cool concept but it also makes the assumption that the heart is nothing but an organ and there is no soul. We are a society that gives too much credit today (as spectacular as it is) to the brain and too much emphasis is placed on it and in measuring intelligence without understanding the role the rest of the physical body and our energetic being plays. We have cords connected to a place that is presently beyond sciences ability to prove but a place that many individuals have seen and experienced from within. My experiences lead me to the belief that the brain will not function the same without the heart and soul of its original owner although it would be cool to witness when and if that time comes.

What I believe will happen is it will connect with the heart and soul of its new owner and like a hard drive retain the information but depending on who it is, that existing information can be applied and understood differently in another’s body. Also, there will be no more downloading from the original body and energetic being (i.e: soul). By downloading I mean as we are more and more connected to the spiritual being through mindfulness practices the more and more we become open and have the ability to download information and become a vehicle for something thats bigger. Some may be naturals at this and it could be because of past lives but most like myself need to work on it with a daily practice.

It’s important to share here, which I can talk about another time in more depth that as it’s nice to understand where we have come from or find out where we are going (i.e: past and future) which the brain loves to feed on, it is important for this not to take away from the present moment. Become rooted in the NOW. It’s all we have. What do you want to do now? Remember, on one side we want to accomplish as much as possible but also we are planting or should be planting as many seeds of our souls desire. Many of them will not show their fruits for lifetimes to come.

This is an expansive way of approaching our present life so we do not get so caught up in the past or the unknown of the future. Keeping in mind that the soul is where we download from and the true source of information, the heart is our guide and the brain is our hard drive. What will you do today? What are you not doing due to fear? Where are you hesitant to move forward? Are you feeling uneasy or unsettled? If yes, those are the areas to explore deeper and lay out a path to move towards it. This is also a sign that we are living predominantly in our brains.

Notice I didn’t say jump into it. There is nothing wrong with taking little steps at a time towards our fear and true purpose and desire and having a plan to proceed that’s not so shocking to the system. As for your life purpose don’t worry too much about the details. I’ve been thinking about this for years and can say now after taking tiny steps that only now is the fog dissipating and I’m starting to get a sense of my purpose in this life. Purpose is discovered as you tackle your fears and lean into the resistance as Seth Godin talks about in lynchpin. It may take you a couple of years, it may take you lifetimes. In the end it doesn’t matter. What matters is you begin to take the steps forward, stay present and work on getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. That’s it.

I know its cliche to say, but it truly is about the journey and not the destination.

If all we do is focus on one part of us then we are putting ourselves at a disadvantage. We measure IQ by giving all the credit of intelligence or lack thereof to our brain then we end up with limiting beliefs and fixed mindsets. When we expand our awareness and measure intelligence of the entire mind, body, soul our lens widens internally and externally.

So what fear/resistance are you going to step into knowing that this is not your first or last shot? Have that conversation that you’ve been delaying, take that action that is stirring in your belly, do whatever it is that you aren’t doing because you are worried about what others think or worried about the outcome of moving forward. Begin distributing your energy throughout and living from your whole being.

I’ll leave with a lovely note my friend Marsha wrote to me on a flight to Portland last year:

“You are not that big of a deal, so its totally ok to put stuff into the world that isn’t perfect. Isn’t that wonderful!”

Magnetic Love

It continues to be the most challenging part of my life. Why can’t I attain this? Why can’t I find it? I am working so hard towards it. Am I not doing enough? Am I a coward? Am I not open enough? Do I need to be more brave? Do I need to get out more? I don’t know where to go and although I can go out more on my own, travel on my own, I am tired of it. I’m tired. I was so ecstatic to find her, to be open enough to receive her, but she wasn’t ready. She doesn’t see the possibilities I see. She doesn’t understand why she feels what she does. It makes me sad but I can’t stop, I can’t give up hope, I can’t close my heart. It needs to stay open more then ever. I am close. I feel her. She is near.

The question what the fuck continues to enter my mind. The question sits along side hope in the passenger seat. Fortunately hope is driving. It’s frustrating but whats a man to do. I am my self and I have so much love to give. I have done and continue to do the deep work. I feel that the deeper I go the more challenging it is to find her at times. She is not your average women. She is powerful, beautiful and will be evolved beyond my imagination.

What should I do? Where should I go? Is there something I’ve done wrong? These are questions that sit behind hope. They are questions that role around in the back seat. Thankfully, hope is driving.

I have a new theory I will test. I have so much love to give that I need to distribute it by channeling elsewhere into more creative projects. I need to put my love into dance again, I need to sing, I need to listen to music, I need to paint and continue to poor my heart out in my writing. I need to love the amazing family and friends in my life today. I need to share my heart, my love, because it is too much for one human to handle.

Time for more laughter, time for more dance and time for more play in my life.

I love the dance between the internal and external as I cleanse the energy lines from the root to the top of the tree. I am learning to live with an open broken heart. I have so much love to share with her when she arrives. I need to maintain the dance between persistence and patience. Between bravery and humblness. I need to settle for nothing less then that soulful connection.

We are nervous, we are scared, most skate on the surface, but if we give deep discovery the time it requires, if we dig a little deeper and explore the seven lines of energetic points first within ourselves then with the person across from us, we are bound to find that love. It feels like two of the most powerful magnets pulling together. It takes an abundance of energy to split apart.

I know deep down, when I find it, life will reach heights that are unimaginable from where I currently stand. This is not the time to settle for anything less. This is the time to ask and stay open for what cannot be articulated with words. It can only be emotions that reside within the soul and are communicated through the heart. The mind has no say. Logic is irrelevant. Keep rational thoughts out of this. There are no algorithms to measure this connection, this love.

Many of us are so closed, robots just walking aimlessly attempting to connect through the list generated within our minds either on our own but most likely based on the expectations of our tribe and society we inherited and embed ourselves in. Put away those formulas, they are useless if real love, real connection and genuine happiness is what you are searching for. Open your heart, your broken open heart. Living with a closed heart is the same as being six feet under.

Whats the fucking point?

Open up baby, lets play, lets dance and lets love with broken open hearts.

I imagine her in my life. I imagine walking behind her and wrapping my arms around her waist, moving her hair too one side, one kiss on her cheek and another soft kiss on her neck, turning her around looking into her eyes as our bodies exchange energies, spirits lifting each other, I softly kiss her on her beautiful lips.

I am in search of love that cannot be articulated with words.

Creative Connections

Spent first part of my day in Tate Modern. I learned something very interesting about Museums over the last few years. Walk through it, scan the work and you will have an energetic draw to those works that align with your inner being. Don’t try to analyze and make sense of the works. If out of 200 pieces of art – sculptures, paintings, photography etc…only two or three pull you in, thats ok. It’s how it should be. Those pieces that pull you in, spend time with them, be there with them because it will open up treasures within yourself. It will inspire you to be greater to do greater. If you get this, it will be a trip well worth it. You don’t have to see or connect with everything. You don’t have to understand or make sense of every piece or take pictures.

I love when a piece just pulls me in and triggers an emotional response from deep within, sometimes even making my hair stand, others inspire me to do something to evolve, to draw to paint and other pieces generate new ideas from the heart and soul. Actually, all pieces should be enjoyed from the heart and soul, not from the mind.

Rick Rubin talks about this with his interview with Tim Ferriss. He talks about the importance of exploring other forms of artistic expression to bring out our inner wisdom and creativity. To be inspired to be greater from the place of the heart and soul. It’s where real greatness is generated from.

It could be a song, a lyric, a sentence, a poem, a painting, or a film. The forms of potential inspiration are endless. If you don’t know where to start, just start anywhere. Don’t think about it. Go to theatre, watch a movie, pop into a museum or check out a concert.

We are all creative beings but most of us have had creativity suppressed, told to be practical instead. What is the logical and rational thing to do. Logic and ration have its place, but it’s behind creativity, it really needs to take a back seat right now. We have suppressed it to the point that the only way to unleash it, to take the veil off, to unblock it is through external inspiration. Make it your purpose to find your creative connection. It will lead you to finding yourself, to be yourself and love yourself more then you could ever imagine which eventually results in loving others more deeply.

You will eventually find a creative connection so deep that it is like gravity is pulling your creative being out from the dark corners, from under the rocks that have befallen on top of it through the avalanches of societal expectation of logic and rational, that you will have no choice but to express your deepest inner self and share your creativity in forms that align with who you truly are.

Make those creative connections. It’s time now. We need you to come out from under the rubble and shine our creative light

Revolving Door

For a large part of my life I jumped from box to box to box until I finally had enough confidence to start building my own box. My

favourite boxes are  the ones with revolving doors where you can come and go as you please. It was like our house growing up. My

dad loved refer to our home as a Sheraton hotel with a revolving door. Neighbourhood kids were free to enter our space and use

our sporting equipment without any permission required. Is there a risk of theft? Absolutely. However, the risk of theft was worth

it and at times things were stolen, but the downfall and temporary monetary loss did not come close to equating to the joy of

being open. So today, I live in my own box that I designed with a revolving door like the Sheraton Hotel. Come and go as you

please. I will neither force you to stay or leave. Take what you need and I trust you will return it one day.

Speechless Love

The ability to elevate and motivate one other without words spoken.

She gave him strength while he gave her breadth.

Heart open does wonders. He is beginning to feel again.

He imagines in his mind what it would feel like to hold her.

To feel her energy.

What a difference between pure love and pure sexuality.

Sex without the presence of love can be good.

Sex filled with an abundance of love where heart, soul and mind are on board is out of this world.

Quivering lips. Exponentially better.

First time he thought about loving someone the way he loved her.

Heart takes so much time to heal when its blocked off.

Stop letting the light in or letting the light out.

Complete darkness.

Always stay open. Wide open. Heart open.

Finding Myself Through Conformity

Compliments and praise…receiving it was more difficult then criticism for me. In my twenties if someone complemented me my ego would be fed and there would be a temporary extra pop in my step. In my thirties when someone complimented me it was so difficult to receive that it would result in mini throw ups (this stems from not feeling good enough).

In my mid-twenties I moved out on my own for the first time. Late for the western world, unacceptable in the Eastern world. Eventually I cancelled cable, met my first girlfriend, had my first real travel experience without family, one week which I spent on my own. My girlfriend had gifted me the Alchemist which I still have with me today. Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle and Neale Donald helped me work at dissipating my ego and peeling the layers of shit off that others had draped over me. My second girlfriend, first love and first heart break took me too an entirely different level of feeling. She broke my world and for the better. The relationship made me go inside and look deep within and ask the question WHO AM I? WHO AM I? WHO AM I?

I have no degree, I am half ass at everything. Shit, I don’t even have a high school diploma. No connection with religion, not a criminal, not feeling fully Canadian, Muslim or Indian. If I am non of these things, then WHO THE FUCK AM I?

I had so many social norms to look on to, but none of them fit. Every area in my life I felt like a square peg in a round hole. I didn’t identify with any of the worlds and with the utmost certainty everyone had laid out, as a matter of fact, that this is who I need to be and without it I won’t succeed in life, I won’t reach the heavens and will probably end up as a bum in this life and hell fire the next. So much to fucking look forward too. God was mad at me. Teachers were mad at me. My parents were mad at me.



Not fully fitting into my religious world , my indian world and the western world resulted in not feeling good enough. So, what do you do when you don’t feel good enough? Conform, conform and conform to all three worlds around me. I was partially religious, not religious, partially Canadian, not Canadian, partially western, not western. I would like to also say partially academic but I am three credits shy of a high school diploma. Those who new I didn’t have it continued to encourage me to go back. From a societal sense and what was acceptable for success I understood, but from the internal sense I didn’t want to go back because I didn’t understand why I needed it to be successful.

I worked in my fathers business, I worked in retail, in warehouses, even a little bit of bussing, selling flowers and telemarketing too. I eventually did a $17, 000 six month IT course which resulted in a $40,000 job at Citibank. The investment definitely paid off for me. I thought this is it! At the age of 25 years old I landed a $40, 000 job a one of the largest banks in the world with no high school diploma. It felt like I hit the jackpot. I moved out, I travelled, I started dating and having sex (I was a little late to the party).

Did I love my job? No. Did I love the people I work with? Hell yeah. They were this new awesome community, that in parts is very much a part of my life today. I grew out of my job quickly. I pretended to love it because I didn’t know who I was. I think many of us don’t know who we are until later in our lives and thats if we are lucky. If you don’t know who you are, don’t worry. Keep chipping away. The only thing that you should not do is sit on your ass. Trust me. I tried it and nothing good or bad comes from it. Life ain’t going to push you to start. You have to push yourself and explore the internal and external worlds. Experiment.

Working at Citibank helped me gain social acceptance. When I was asked the question “where do you work?” I proudly responded with, I am an Operations Analyst with Citibank! Usually the person asking the question would beam with approval. I would be lying if I said it didn’t feel good. I was fitting in for the first time in my life and felt accepted. “Citibank is a great company. Good for you they would say.” My ego and external self enjoyed this approval. I made it. I was apart of the corporate world. I have successfully been accepted into the club of conformity.

Around the third or fourth year of being part of the club of conformity my soul began to get restless and agitated that it would no longer come into the building with me. It would stay outside the revolving door waiting for me to finish my day (or come out for lunch) to reconnect. It was so hard to quit or get another job because I had zero clarity as to what my purpose in this world/lifetime is. It took a good friend and colleague to quit. I felt completely alone at this point. Not long after, I quit as well. I had no job lined up, had a hefty debt, had rent to pay among other expenses, but I was young. I mapped out my worst case scenario and it really wasn’t that bad.

In the end it became so unbearable to the point that staying was more uncomfortable then quitting. If I had stayed, I would have died a very slow death. I didn’t have a plan but it felt so good to quit that shit hole!

Am I ungrateful? So many people in this world would love to have my job. Am I being greedy by asking more for myself?